Hope is Scary
by Saint Sita
Summary: All my life I felt worthless until I met you. Someone who made me feel not so worthless and it terrifies me. That if you die or leave me in anyway that I would cease to exist. Yet I still hope no matter how uncertain it can be. Read Author's Note Please!
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note:

I'm the original author of this story but under a new account since I no longer feel like I can post on the old one.

I just had so much bad things happen in my life that it just brought to many bad memories that I would prefferably not be reminded of everyday

So before please do not report these stories as stolen please.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: This story is very personal to me as relates to my own feelings of worthlessness I had in middle and high school. Although I was thankfully never raped I was sexually harassed on my way to school by older men who liked preying on my insecurities. It still haunts me to this day since I could never press charges against them since I didn't know their names and was afraid that something might happen to me even if did. So my therapist told me to write a story with a character who felt similarly to me and that was how this fanfic was born. Hope you enjoy Hope is Scary!**

**Dedicated to Icypinkroses, Jylener22, Gwendlynn Rose, and all of you ichihime fans**

Chapter One – My Built Up Wall

"I wanna go home" he cried

"Stop crying, this is your home now" A feminine voice yelled at him.

He cried more as the woman brought that steel pipe probably as punishment for crying. She would beat him with it until the pain was unbearable and tearsstopped. As poor seven year old Ichigo didn't know why he cried anymore it was an everyday occurrence for two months so he should be used to it. After all it was his fault that he was here Chiyo-San would always say. If he not had been born beautiful his mother would still be alive and he would still be with his family. Eventually people got suspicious about her so she moved to Kyoto quickly to avoid being found out.

"I would not have to move Kyoto to keep you if were not beautiful. I have you now so will do what I say and you will obey. If you defy me I'll make you regret it." Chiyo-San replied in a raised voice to instill fear in Ichigo.

He only gave a slight nod to indicate that he understood.

Over the next six years he came to accept his fate of having no worth other than being Chiyo-San's tool for pleasure in fact he no longer cried. For it was much easier to accept this fate he was given than to try and defy it.

Most days went the same way she was tired from work and he would ask if she wanted relief. She replied yes and he removed his clothes slowly to please her. When that was done he would lay down as he allowed her to take him. One day it went almost the same way until the new landlord came barging in about herlate rent unfortunately he barged in during their fucking. More unfortunate was that he recognized Ichigo as one of missing children from seven years ago.

"Well, Now I know why you Horie-San why you always made many of the tenants sons uncomfortable. You are obsessed with young boys so obsessed thatyou have a young boy here as a sex slave."

"You wouldn't understand I need him his mother took him away from me I had to kill her just so I could have him." She yelled at her landlord. The yelling match was so loud that the other tenants heard and called the police who arrived quickly to arrest Ichigo's captor for six years. Ichigo was then taken to be analyzed by the forensic psychiatrist Dr. Aki Mifune. Unsurprisingly Ichigo found the conversation awkward.

"I know it must be hard for you in this situation but you have to answers some of my questions in order for me to help you."

Ichigo than knew it was useless to be silent and realized that it was better to answers the questions given. He gave Dr. Mifune truthful answers in monotone without hesitation until he was given the last question. "How do you feel about yourself?"

"I… I don't know h…how to feel anymore." He answered with a stutter for the first time in his life.

With that answer and Ichigo confessing to indulge in self destructive behavior to cope with his years of sexual abuse he knew that Ichigo wasn't stable enough to go home. Therefore came to the conclusion that Ichigo had to be hospitalized although luckily it was close enough for his remaining family to visit him.

The trial was over quickly as could have been with Chiyo Horie being charged with many charges of rape and was put into a lifetime solitary confinement which many found that fate much crueler and more fitting than the death penalty.

He was assigned to Dr. Kisuke a compassionate psychiatrist at Karakura psychiatric hospital. Although at first glance you wouldn't know that. For the three years that Ichigo was there he often continued to indulge in his self-destructive behavior. Dr. Kisuke concluded that he did this to avoid leaving as he fearedthe outside world. Eventually leading to this current discussion between them and both were trying to end it.

"Ichigo, I know you are deliberately sabotaging your chances of ever leaving this place because you feel safer here. I can sympathize with how you feel but I'm not going to let your destroy life. So me and the board had a discussion and decided that you should go to a regular high school with the guidance

counselor keeping tabs with you. "

Ichigo grunted "ass!"

Dr. Kisuke heard it but choose not to acknowledge it. "Either way you have no choice but to go because despite what you think I care for as a patient andmany other people do too. So at least try to form connections because how you can be right if didn't you try to prove it."

"Fine, I'll go if it will make you shut up" Ichigo sighed getting tired of this already.

"Good you can go back to your room now the nurse will escort you there"

The nurse came over to bring him back to his room and he had on his usual scowl. Reluctant to show anything that would make him seem vulnerable. Than a figure caught his eyes she seemed to be unreal a vision of Guanyin who shined love, compassion, and acceptance. She seemed to notice his dumbstruck expression and gave him a warm smile that seemed only for him.

As he came into his room all that was in his head was she the image of Guanyin. Somehow he felt that for a moment the world wasn't so bad. Thinking of her made him smile truly for the first time in years.

Orihime came back home to her Aunt Murasaki modest mansion that she had lived in since 13 when her Aunt a bestselling light novelist moved from Kyoto to Karakura for a slightly less hectic home life. She entered the hallway and quickly ran to her room. As she unusually didn't feel like watching her shows today and just wanted to count her blessing. Since many others didn't have the blessing of decent life and being surrounded by people who love you.

Orihime's mother Nakatsukasa a famous singer had retired due to death of Orihime's father Eiji Inoue. Since Nakatsukasa being diagnosed with Type I Bipolar Disorder broke down and knowing that she could no longer take care of Orihime and her older brother Sora. She left them under the care of her Aunt who felt glad to do it for her sake.

Nakatsukasa checked herself in Karakura because her husband was born and buried there so Orihime often visited her mother when she could and was happy that her mother was doing very well and soon might be released. However as she was leaving she noticed that boy who seemed to be always sad. Even though she didn't know who he was she could feel a connection to him and wanted to ease his pain if only for a moment. Deciding to give him a smile that her family said could melt a heart of a demon which she thought was ridiculous as even she knew that not everyone could be saved. Still she held on to that hope you could always move on from your past no matter how dark it was.

"I hope you will be happy someday" she whispered as prayer to him.

**I am sorry if I didn't go into too much about Ichigo's rape but I honestly wanted focus more on his recovery from it. To Orihime fans I am sorry you didn't get to see much of her now but we will in the next chapter.**

**No, this won't be a tragedy and I promise that things will get better for Ichigo you just have to patience. Also I am sorry to people if got some things wrong here I am more concerned about emotional impact here than complete accuracy.**

**Fact: Guanyin is a BODHISATTVA a figure from Buddhism. As why I compared to Orihime to her instead of an angel there are 2 reasons.**

**One: Most of Japanese people are not Christians so it wouldn't make sense for Ichigo to describe her like an angel.**

**Two: I wanted to be different and Guanyin is known for being the Bodhisattva of compassion. Since Orihime is known to be compassionate comparing her to Gunyin made perfect sense.**


	3. Chapter 3

Author's note: Sorry it took so long but I can't update really fast frankly two and half weeks updates are pretty fast for me. I tried have a chapter with 3k words but just couldn't at the moment so please forgive me and enjoy this chapter. As Ichigo and Orihime meet formally for the first time. Also the guys did get caught because someone at school reported it.

Dedicated to Icypinkroses who is going for a lot at the moment so please pray for her

* * *

Chapter 2 – Are You Real?

Ichigo staring at the window in the visiting hall his father and younger twin sisters were going to come over. As much he loved them he didn't think they loved him anymore. They only visited him out of pity in his mind. When everyone else knew that it was exactly the opposite if anything they loved him so much that they never lost patience with Ichigo's deliberate sabotage in order to stay hospitalized.

Since the wards were watching him he was allowed to hold a pen. As he had used a pen on one of his many suicide attempts that he had to be supervised extra carefully around them. For one moment Ichigo thought back to his Guanyin he saw yesterday and he just randomly wrote all the adjectives describing her.

"Ichi-nii!"

Hearing that nickname meant only one thing for Ichigo his family had arrived for a visit. His family had sat on a bench that faced him and they gave him compassionate looks. Isshin his father was the first to speak "So, I heard that board is going to let you go to Karakura High School?"

"Yeah, so what of it has got you concerned?" He responded spitefully to his father while still creating random words on paper.

His father gently grabbed the hand that was holding the pen and told him "I know it must be hard for you to be denied most of your childhood. And harder still to move one from those years but please try to not see this decision as a bad thing. Maybe it could be a blessing in disguise to help yourself realize that you aren't worthless like you think you are."

He could only sigh sadly "You…..don't you know how hard it…it is for m…me to do that?"

His family noticed that Ichigo stuttered again even before his kidnapping the boy never once stuttered. After he was found he did that all the time when his family and childhood friend Tatsuki came to visit. Stuttering usually meant that his built up wall of indifference to protect himself was cracking and made him feel already more afraid than he already was. Than the usually quiet Yuzu voiced her thoughts that she wanted to say to him but was afraid at first but than seeing her Nii-chan in total despair gave her the strength to speak up. She leaned herself closer to the table

"Nii-Chan, it hurts me to see you like this afraid and lost all because one lady took everything from you Kaa-san, your virginity, and worst of all your will to live. But please don't give up because Karin-Chan and me want to see the big brother who made us feel good about ourselves and protected us from bullies. "

"I'll try but I can't promise you anything" was all that Ichigo said looking away from his family.

"That's all we ask for" the sweet sister replied.

None of them noticing that the person one table away heard their whole conversation and it made her heart break.

Orihime honestly didn't mean to eavesdrop on the conversation next to her while waiting for her mother who wanted to see her again to wish her luck on her first day of high school. However, she noticed the boy she smiled at yesterday was there one table away. Honestly, she was surprised that she was this close to him and to wanted to say hi to him. But her inherent shyness prevented her from doing so.

Hearing what happened to the boy whom she now knew was named Ichigo made her want to cry for him_. "Oh, Ichigo I can't believe what you've gone through it's enough to make anybody stop living but you're alive and still on this Earth. That's proof that even if you don't know it yet you are stronger than you think. As you survived it and I just wish I could let you see how strong you really are."_

Her Mother sat down noticing that Orihime was lost in her own thoughts.

'Sweetheart, what's on your mind?" Nakatsukasa asked Orihime causing to snap out of it.

She than noticed that her daughter was looking at Ichigo one of the adolescent patients. Knowing that Orihime was close enough to eavesdrop on his conversation explaining why she looked sad. Orihime inherited her father's empathy which made her feel proud of her daughter.

"So, you are starting school in two days and wanted I to you tell that high school can be cruel however I don't want you to conform to their cynicism. Sure being too idealistic is bad but not doing anything to change your bad situation because you feel that trying to change it will get you hurt is worse. Just promise me that you will be hopeful no matter what. No matter how scary it can be just please keep on hoping even if bad stuff happens." Her mother finished with tears in her eyes.

"I promise" Orihime answered.

The rest of the visit went the same way they talked about new composers, American TV, and bunch other stuff that seem to belong anywhere in the conversation . The visit as always ended too soon for both of them. With the goodbyes said Orihime walked to the limo that took was to take her home. When she got in all she could think about was Ichigo and her wish to know him beyond what she had learned about him from eavesdropping.

If he was honest with himself he felt conflicted about this decision about going to a regular high school. On one hand he wanted to this work out and on the on other he was afraid of what would happen if any friends he formed found out about his past. He never cared about fitting in before his kidnapping and he still didn't care about that even now. But he still feared rejection just like any other person. He noticed the moon was out tonight and it calmed him down long enough to fall asleep. At that moment he temporarily allowed himself to hope for something better

Two days later at high school

It was here the day he dreaded starting high school. Tatsuki was starting here too so at least he someone he knew was there. A day before he requested that he be dropped off in a way that didn't draw attention which they gave him without a fuss. Here he was walking to the guidance counselor who happened to be a friend of that ass Dr. Kisuke to figure out his schedule. So far he heard no whispers and nobody seemed to be staring at him.

Yoruichi Shihoin an old friend and possibly lover of his supervising Doctor gestured him to sit down. He prayed to any deity that this would be short as possible. Luckily they answered his prayer and she spoke in very blunt and honest matter.

"I know Ichigo it has been hard on you these past few years and damn it I bet what I just said has become a cliché for you." She spoke in a frustrated tone.

"Yeah, I lost count after the 50th time I heard it" He replied in snarky deadpan voice.

She like Dr. Kisuke didn't seem shaken at his snarky behavior since he had every right to distrust authority. "So, I hope we have a understanding right now that everything Kisuke told is true and you have to talk to me after classes are over every day. "

"Ugh, yeah I know and I am only doing this because I don't want to cause trouble. I already have enough of it already."

"_I bet you do"_ she thought quietly as she gave him his schedule.

He takes it forcefully with him soon leaving the office. Slamming the door so hard that he almost broke the hinges off made her wonder on how did he get so much strength over his years in isolation.

"_Curse that damn doctor and those boards of directors making me come to this fucking school. Besides it not like anything will come from it. In the end I will be proven right and I will stay there away from the world."_ His thoughts were of fear of years being held captive and being under a false name.

If the rest of the student body didn't notice him before they sure did now. As his anti-social behavior defined the classic Japanese definitions of punk along with orange red hair that was indeed natural. Storming through the hallway coming to the classroom his class was being held at. Opening the door he saw sitting next to his first love Tatsuki was her. His Guanyin at first he thought he was dreaming since nobody like that could be real. Even after that he first saw her he thought she was a figment of his imagination. That was created by his longing and impossible wish for acceptance. But now looking at her it clear now she was real and she had seen him.

"_Oh, Kami-sama she saw me at that hospital and now probably thinks that I'm a freak. Well I am but that is beside the point." _

His thoughts were erratic and fearful but his face didn't show it. Tatsuki later noticed Ichigo and got from her desk to introduce him to Orihime. Not knowing that they saw each other before at the hospital. She was desperate to get him to connect to her not as a lover like she thought they would have been but as friend who had missed him over the years. Maybe just maybe Orihime could help him see for himself that he wasn't worthless and did indeed deserve to be loved by others. So she pulled him his arm and pulled him to where Orihime was sitting.

"Orihime this is my old friend Ichigo who recently moved back from Kyoto" she lied.

"U….um hi!?" the poor boy replied to the gentle girl.

She simply smiled and responded with a soft "hello" in response to his greeting. His eyes were the only parts of his face that showed emotion and they looked so sad and full of despair. Oh, she wished could take away his pain. But she knew that only he could take away his own pain.

The homeroom teacher came in and introduced herself everything went along normally. Although Ichigo noticed that one of boys was staring at him. One that looked like a high and mighty smartass with glasses the boy also stared at Orihime protectively. He himself could not tell if the smartass was staring protectively in a brotherly or a romantic way. Either way Ichigo only cared about Orihime anyway. After finishing his observations the lunch bell rang meaning _"Oh Kami-Sama interactions with my peers! The eager to lose my virginity peers"_

He decided to sit alone near the farthest tree where he could see all the students eating and conversing. Mostly doing more of the latter and he sigh knowing that he could never have that. Soon he noticed a figure coming towards him no not one but two, no three leading to confusion on his part. He couldn't understand why anyone would want to be near him and especially the figures who he now knew where Tatsuki, Orihime, and the too pretty bespectacled smartass.

"Um….um I was wondering if ...if I could eat lunch with you?" The auburn beauty inquired to him.

"Y….yeah s…sure! That would be nice." He honestly felt embarrassed for answering with a stutter.

She gave him her warm smiled and she swore she could see his face soften. He seemed to be comfortable until Uryuu Ishida spoke "Orihime why the hell would want to sit with this anti-social freak?"

Before Ichigo could react Tatsuki punched Uryuu in the face. Even though she knew he didn't know the truth about Ichigo it still angered her he acted so high and mighty to some people.

"Arisawa-San why the hell did you hit me?" he muttered why rubbing his sore cheek.

"I didn't like what you're saying about Ichigo just now" She stated bluntly.

"Come on the way he looks just breathes punk and sometimes I don't why Orihime considers you her best friend?"

"Right now I can think of a lot reasons why I am better friend than you." She shouted.

Meanwhile, Orihime just sat down next to him and silently ate her lunch while Uryu and Tatsuki were arguing. To Ichigo's surprise she finished it quickly and looked at him with her kind loving eyes. He also stared longingly into her eyes that until he broke it fearing what would happen he would hurt her.

"Kurosaki-kun, please don't be afraid because I only want to be your friend."

As soon she said those words he felt for the first time that he thought things would get better.


End file.
